#1 - And so it begins......

And so it begins..........

I have made a major life decision; one that has been coming for years. I am going to become less of a person, half of a person if you will. I know that sounds negative and contradictory but read on so I can explain. I plan on losing half of an 'obese person'. Half of the person I am today will be gone......I have made the permanent and life changing decision to have weight loss surgery, and in losing half of myself I look forward to gaining more in return than I could ever imagine.

Everyone that knows me also knows I am NOT an impulsive person. I make lists and research and analyze things...probably far more than any person should. Well this decision is no different. I have been contemplating this for years, slowly researching and learning as much information as I could so that I could 'one day' make an informed decision. Well that time has come. As of this morning I have been approved and have paid my deposit to the surgeon and will begin this transformation on February 3, 2015.

At this point in my life I am happy. Happy with my personal life and (fairly) happy with my professional life but there is a nagging sadness in me. A constant and horrible feeling of being less of a person, I have shame and guilt and pain, both physical and emotional, that have become more than I can bear and I am ready to permanently change the way I look and feel about myself and the negative relationship I have with food.

Context - Backstory

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my 20+ year battle with food and my weight and how it has ruled my life. I absolutely LOVE food; I love the taste of it and the smell of it....until now I have always lived to eat; now I make the conscious choice to begin eating to live instead. 

I was a tomboy and was always kicking ass at the monkey bars and playing baseball and of course never had a thought about my weight until high school. In junior high I stopped being as active and some pounds started to creep on and I was about a size 12-14 give or take but it wasn't too far off from most of my friends so I never thought much of it.

When I really started to notice it was in high school. I remember when I was 17 and was preparing to go to Paris and Spain on a school trip and we were raising money and one of the things we did was have a fashion show (I can't for the life of me remember how this actually generated money for the trip, maybe we charged people to come watch who knows but that's not the point). We went to West Edmonton Mall to some stores that agreed to loan us clothes to model and I remember very distinctly that I couldn't wear any of the clothes from the stores because I didn't fit into them......hmmm interesting when did that happen? I remember that I had to model stretch pants with an oversized shirt while everyone else had cool clothes and dressy gowns.....wow model material. How horrifying.

As much as this bothered me I still wasn't a 'huge girl' so I just went on my way. I think I was about a size 14-16 so bigger than some of my friends, smaller than others. I thought I was fairly normal. The majority of the weight didn't creep on until after high school once I was into adulthood, working, going to school part time, eating really shitty and not exercising. One day I can recall leaving my full time job and driving to school (part time at night) and stopping (yet again) at McDonalds on the way to school. I remember clearly the unbelievable pain that tore through me when the woman at the window said "Oh hi! Would you like your regular?"  

Over the years I've used diet after diet, gimmick (Bacon and grapefruit, really?) after pill, book after quick fix it scheme....even hypnosis and of course some have worked temporarily, only to gain it all back plus some down the road. Years ago I complained to the doctor of a pain in my chest, in my left rib cage under my breast - hurt to stand, hurt to breathe, nothing helped. I complained over and over and was told over and over "you need to lose weight", well thanks TIPS, like I don't know that already. About that time I hit my highest weight of 231 lbs so I knew he was right but knowing it and making it happen were two completely different things.

Over the next few years I yo-yo'd and managed to lose about 50 lbs. The pain in my chest had subsided and I was feeling a bit better about myself. And then in March 2014 I was in a car accident. It may sound like an excuse and maybe part of it is but after the accident I had constant debilitating migraines and pain, I couldn't exercise because of the pain and got lazy and slowly went back to eating all the (yummy) crap again and the pounds just piled back on until I got back up to my highest weight....plus a few pounds.

What made me choose to do this?

I want to start living my life. For a long time now, I've felt like I was going through the motions but not enjoying life anymore. I remember when I was in Australia and went snorkelling and skydiving and tried surfing and how brave and adventurous I was. I wanted to try everything I could and even though I was not 'skinny' (160 lbs) I was a lot smaller than I am now and could at least do some physical things. These days, it takes everything in me to make it from the bed to the couch on the weekend.   

• I can't stand to look at myself
• I don't feel attractive and always find myself hiding from Sean (even though he tells me constantly that I'm beautiful, bless him)
• I feel hungry constantly, I could eat until I make myself throw up and then eat some more....and let's be honest, I have
• I sweat profusely from (only) my face and neck (which I'm still not certain isn't an actual medical issue, but I'm sure it would have to be better if I weighed less) 
• My knee (which I screwed up years ago) constantly dislocates now
• I'm exhausted 110% of the time and can honestly sleep for 10-12 hours straight it left to my own devices
• I can't do any physical activity without being completely winded, which makes it hard to play with the Girl Guides and with my niece and nephews
• I wouldn't go on the slides at West Ed Waterpark with Keaton and Sean because I'm winded just climbing the stairs
• I was scared I wouldn't fit in the go-karts at whitemud so I just watched everyone else go and sat out of the fun
• I skipped the colour run with everyone this summer because I can't 'run' and didn't want to be left behind
• I look like Homer......have you ever heard or seen pictures of the comparison between a fat chick and homer simpson.......well....... (please note this is not me as I wouldn't post a naked pic on here - I found it on the internet so you could see what I mean)

Surgery

I've made the decision to have an out of country medical procedure.

1. because you aren't left on a waiting list for years before you can go - I can pay for the procedure and have it completed ASAP now that I've made my decision
2. because after all of the research I am 100% confident in the surgical team and the procedure
3. I've been part of a Facebook group and a forum with past and current patients and have received overwhelming support, advice, guidance and tips.

I tried broaching the subject with my sister. She is my best friend and normally my biggest supporter. Unfortunately, this seems to be the one thing she isn't all that supportive of as her response was that I could do it on my own with diet and exercise if I really tried. Well both of us have been fighting our weight more than half our lives so that really doesn't seem to be working for me, so I have made the decision to proceed and leave her out of the process for the time being.


I hate doing that since we share absolutely everything with each other but she is the one person whose opinion matters most to me and I can't handle any negativity or shaming about my decision now that it has been made. I know in my heart she's not trying to be mean, it's not in her, I'm sure that a small portion of it is that she thinks spending the money is stupid, but even more so, I'm sure it's coming out of a place of genuine concern and fear for my wellbeing.   

Having said that I love her more than anything and don't want there to be any lies between us so I will have to discuss this with her sooner or later but am just not sure how to do that. :(

Back to the beginning......

So anyways........after all of that rambling I'm back to where I started. I am about to embark on a journey.....or like my buddy Bilbo says "I'm going on an adventure!!"

I plan on using this space as a place to clear my head about everything going on around me through this journey. The ups and downs the confusion, the tears and most of all the happiness. I am scared, nervous and intimidated but most of all I am ready; ready to be half a person.