#12 - Day.......8 pre-op.....sorry I had to stop and think

Day 8.

The days are blending together, which is honestly a good thing. I thought I might die on pre-op but I'm already over a week in and doing fine. I'm losing weight, I'm not starving all day like I thought I would be......and I even avoided all of the confetti cookies I helped the girls make at Guides last night, fuck yeah, I can do this!!

It was tough last night. I had to really think before I spoke. When all the girls were offering me their cookies and I said I couldn't but thanks they of course asked why and I stumbled for a second, I mean I'm not going to tell 10 years olds I'm going for surgery, so then I almost blurted out my 25 year standby....I'm on a diet, but I managed to stop myself. I want these girls to grow up with healthy body images and of course like everyone else they will have issues and probably diet themselves and possibly hate their body like I do but I will not personally be the one to help that happen. I will not be the one to ruin their cookie night. So, when they asked why I couldn't I simply said, oh no reason guys I'm just trying to eat a bit healthier these days, and I just had dinner so I'm all good thanks!

I have to stop all medications and vitamins as of today until surgery. I actually stopped the meds a week ago in preparation for this and sadly I am an absolute emotional mess because of it, crying over everything. I will be happy when I can start my medication again after surgery.

Well counting today I have four more days of pre-op diet and then I switch to the completely clear liquid diet. I leave in 6 days for Mexico and surgery is in 7 days, it's coming up really quick!!

Oh and btw, the exchange rate is shit.....my $4600 surgery has now cost me $5884 plus another $290 for the insurance.......jeebus. Oh well for every pound I lose it will cost me about $61.74.....but WTF,  I will be $6174 worth of skinny minnie.

Fuck you plus size bridesmaid dress, that ain't happening for Pam's wedding.
Fuck you go kart - my ass will fit this summer and I will kill that track.
Fuck me, my eyes are leaking again....time to peace out!

#11 - Day 5 pre-op......

So day 5 and I'm definitely pushing my comfort zone here. My inner fat girl wants some fuckin KD!! 

Yesterday with nobody around I ate like 10 tomatoes, which is cool, no biggie, they're healthy and allowed, but then I cheated and grabbed one of the guys' cookies.....I couldn't help myself and I know after surgery that will probably make me puke but honestly I didn't beat myself up too bad about it .....5 days of 2 protein shakes and a salad are doing me in lol. I can't wait for the day after surgery when I'm not hungry and don't even give a shit about food.....I still don't see how that's even possible but people tell me it will happen.

Right now inner fat girl is screaming that they're fuckin liars but I choose to ignore the chubby bitch and have hope! 

# 10 - Day 2 pre-op......

Day 2.......

Well I'm still alive so far.

My breakfast of protein powder mixed with 1% milk is keeping me fairly full until lunch and then my second one is good as well. I read that you can take one metamucil caplet per day if needed to help with hunger. I took one yesterday and one today and don't really find that they help much.

I'm pretty proud of myself though. Sean called me yesterday to ask me about my shepherds pie that's in the freezer (one of my favourite foods) and I said no go ahead and eat it. Then I said oh hey wait we might as well have that tonight and I'll start my salad tomorrow.......guess what? DIDN'T do it.....so proud of myself. I could have gone with yet another stupid excuse.....tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.

I pulled out all of my salad stuff and dutifully started cutting and putting everything together and then I took my giant salad and I hid in the bedroom eating it and watching TV while the boys ate my (AMAZING) shepherds pie. lmao

I am posting a picture of it to remind myself how good it looks (and tastes) when my tummy is telling me to cheat. I put the following in it:

• 1/2 Cucumber sliced
• 1 beefsteak tomato cut into chunks
• 75 grams cauliflower pieces
• 50 grams Baby yellow, orange and red bell peppers
• 1/4 cup kidney beans
• 5 oz cooked and seasoned chicken breast
• 3 tbsp honey dijon dressing

It totally filled me up and I didn't cheat at all last night even though the boys ate my shepherds pie and there are cookies and gummies all over the counter.....oh and buns and bread that make me drool.

Le sigh.......Britney did 2007.....I can do day 2

#9 - Day 1 - Pre-op Diet

And here we are....day 1 of the pre-op diet. I'm excited for this life change.....and nervous because I don't know what will happen.....and happy because I might get my life back.....and then the fat girl in me is sad and wants a cupcake. So many emotions going through me right now.

Current AND heaviest weight - 233 lbs.

Pictures:

So starting today I do a protein shake for breakfast, one for lunch and then a big salad with chicken for dinner.....sounds good. But for 11 days straight? Hmmmm ask me again in a few days.

#8 - And my doctor has not disowned me.....(deep exhale)

And all is well.....

I finally met with my doctor yesterday to ask him if he would be supportive of my decision etc. The appointment went so much better than I thought it would and he was able to put my mind at ease.

He asked a million questions and I was able to answer them and I think that helped him realize that I've done my research.

The key points we talked about were - him (black, me blue):

• Where are you going? Mexico Where in Mexico? Well hahaha this is the part that mom, dad and Crystal freaked about.....it's in Tijuana. Makes sense. Tijuana is just across the border so people cross the border constantly to have procedures done. It's much cheaper and they have lots of really good clinics there.
• Which surgery are you planning on having done? A vertical sleeve gastrectomy. Well that surgery is common and known all over the world, I'm not concerned with the type of surgery. What I would be concerned about is the place you are going. Have you done your research. Yes I've done lots of research and I'm on forums where I talk to past, current and future patients. I've talked to coordinators and the surgeon himself has even been replying to my questions. They offer a lot of support. The surgeon has lots of training and does about 8 surgeries per day and has been a keynote speaker at a bunch of different bariatric conferences. Okay well it sounds like he's competent then and knows his stuff.
• You need to know that if there are complications afterward you won't find a doctor here who will help you. What do you mean? If something happened and I had to go to the hospital they would have to help me wouldn't they? Oh yes of course they would. What I mean is that if you had a complication and it's an emergency you would go to the hospital, but if you came to me with a minor complication and I had to refer you to a specialist, because you've had the surgery out of country, they would put you on a waiting list and they wouldn't see you for a long time. Oh okay, so that brings me to the insurance. I found of that I can get insurance and if there are complications while I'm there all costs would be covered and if there were complications once I'm back, once I'm stable they would fly me back and forth between here and Mexico as many times as needed within 12 months of the surgery and would cover all associated travel, accommodation and medical costs etc. So should I consider getting that then? Well I can't tell you what to do but that might be something you want to consider only because of how hard it would be to see someone here after.
• The Royal Alex here has a bariatric after care program I could refer you to but again you would be on a very long waiting list. That's what I thought. I looked into their program and most people are on at least a year and a half waiting list. Yes. Put it this way. I have one client that fluctuates from 400 - 500 lbs and he has been on their waiting list forever. Now he turned 60 and they won't touch him because once you hit 60 you aren't a candidate. The age wouldn't apply to you but if you are comparing yourself to some of the other candidates you are small and so you would be waiting for a long time.

 We talked about a lot of things. I gave him my input into why I was choosing this surgery over the others (Lap band, gastric bypass etc.) and told him about the various vitamins that I've already been taking etc.



When all was said and done he gave me a hug and said, well I wish you the best of luck with it. That went better than you thought it would didn't it? Lol........yes, yes it did.

#7 - Protein Powders and Vitamins and medic alert bracelts oh my

Protein Powders:

Okay so when I went to that store she gave me a few samples to try......

Whey Protein Isolate Isoflex Chocolate (with real chocolate chips): I actually really liked this one.....as much as you can like a protein powder. It has 0 grams of sugar, 115 calories, 1 carb and 27 grams of protein. I mixed it with about 11 oz of 1% milk and it (almost) tasted like a runny chocolate milkshake. B+

IsoNatural Chocolate: Went downstairs and grabbed a milk.....2% was all they had. Mixed it up with my shaker bottle and lo and behold it tastes like slim fast.....not a fan.

She mentioned that the Isoflex has a 'cookies and cream' flavour that's amazing....her 13 year old daughter drinks them just because they taste good so I might ask to get one of those and one of the chocolate. They were $53.00 for a giant tub but with the 25% off she is going to give me they would be about $39.75 so not too bad.....especially when the Atkins Advantage premixed ones are $10 on sale for 4 of them so I would be out in about 5-6 days for the same price as one large tub of this.

I've been on the search to find a flavourless one that I can mix into other things (broth, oatmeal etc.). Everyone on ALM is raving about this one called Genepro and saying it's amazing and flavourless.  http://www.amazon.com/Musclegen-Research-Genepro-Genetic-Tri-Protein/dp/B00K6OSDYA.

It's always said I can't order it because they don't ship to Canada but get this.....just NOW starting to rant and plugging the link in above I went and looked at it again and get this it now no longer says it won't ship here!!!!! It actually just let me order it. A bit pricey, with shipping it's $53 and I'm sure that's USD so with exchange I'm looking at about $63 which breaks down to about $2.06 per serving but if it's as amazing as everyone says then who the fuck cares I will pay it!! Say's it should be here by January 26th....SUHWEET! 

Vitamins:

Now as far as the vitamins go, everyone is saying the same things but nobody is really confirming the dosages needed. A 'good' multivitamin, calcium, biotin - 10,000 mcg, B12 - and then some others are saying to add iron. Well I found some that I like, and I tried to aim for all sub-lingual (melt under the tongue) or chewables as I don't know how hard it will be to swallow pills afterwards. The ones I like are:

WalMart

• Caltrate Calcium soft chews with vitamin D3 (Vanilla) - 60
• Actually not too chalky and has a fairly appealing taste.
• Nature's Bounty Biotine - sub-lingual (Cherry). 2500 mcg - 100 tablets. 
• Good flavour and they melt fairly quickly uinder your tongue. These are only 2500 mcg and everyone is saying to take 10,000 so that would be 4. Right now I've started with 2 per day so 5,000.

 Safeway:

• Webber Natural's B12 - sub-lingual (Cherry). 2500 mcg - 60 Tablets. 
• Good flavour and melts quickly. Only 1 per day according to the bottle.
• One a Day - Women's Gummies with Calcium Complete Adult Multivitamins - 60
• These are awesome. They actually taste like normal fruit gummies. Have to remind myself not to eat the whole bottle. Only 2 per day. 

Medic Alert Bracelets

Now I've also been hearing from people that it's a good idea to get a medic alert bracelet. This way if (god forbid) you're ever in an accident and they have to put an NG tube down your throat they won't do it blind and puncture your little tummy.

Again, one of those American vs. Canadian things. Most of these companies are out of the states and are ridiculously expensive. The one I love is below but really I'm looking at $80.00 with shipping and exchange and that's WITHOUT the engraving because they charge extra for that. Are you fuckin kidding me? A medic alert bracelet is meant to be engraved, how fair is it to charge extra for that?

http://www.elegantmedicalalert.com/Phoenix_Stone_Beaded_Wrap_Medical_ID_Bracelet.html

Ugh maybe I can find something local or at least Canadian that's a bit cheaper.

#6 - Fuck Cancer

Wow really?

So, I finally make this decision to change my life and I'm dealing fairly well with the fallout of that decision.....because of course people's opinions are like assholes....everyone has one and a lot of them are shitty.

Anyways....in the midst of all of this upheaval from my choice I find out that my mom who has been having a bit of a health scare now has to go for surgery to remove a cyst and they will be taking one of her ovaries as well and now my dad, who had a tumour on his bladder just before Christmas (and went in for surgery to have it removed) found out that they couldn't get it all, it's stage 2 and has moved into the surrounding muscles so he has some difficult decisions to make about how to proceed with treatment.

Crystal had laughed when I bought my Captain Amell Fuck Cancer t-shirt a while back to support cancer research but she says to me now.....oh I get it now. Lol

Why is it that when the shit flies, it's all at once?

Everyone will be okay, I am positive of this, but I just wish that my parents didn't have to deal with this shit.....I wish nobody did, but least of all my parents.  

#5 - My support system just grew

Yesterday was another very difficult day for me. My sister Crystal argued with me a lot and I had a conversation with my mom where I ended up in tears when we talked about how angry Crystal was and I told my mom "I just can't do this without her".

Although for my own health and well being I had resigned myself to the fact that I may have to do this without the support of the most important person in my life I now no longer have to.

I have gained the most amazing support system of 'friends' that I don't even know. That may sound ridiculous but I feel like the Lighter Me family of past patients, upcoming patients, coordinators and even the surgeon himself have become like family already. I have received some of the most amazing support and have been inundated with so many personal stories of encouragement and success that I feel as if I personally know all of these people now. They respond to all of my questions and concerns and posts with information and the feeling of genuine care for my success and well being since they are all on the same path. We walk this road together.

My mom and my boyfriend are supportive of my decision. They understand the reasons for my choice and know that I have researched things extensively. They ask me questions and are genuinely interested to get more information so they too can be informed, even though I know that they too are terrified just like my sister.

After all of the screaming and horrible things that were said by my sister and how alone and scared I was starting to feel (even with all of this newfound support) there was a break through. I received a simple message from her this morning telling me "hey I will support you btw I am just scared shitless!"

After receiving that message we talked and cried and talked a lot more. She finally asked me questions without the judgement and anger in her voice and I could hear that she was finally understanding where I was coming from and why I need to do this. She of course is still scared and still says she wishes I was doing this locally so she could be with me, but she is now willing to support me.

When I woke up this morning feeling deflated and physically sick to my stomach over our fighting I never expected the day to take this kind of a turn. I contacted the coordinator looking for more detailed information about the surgeon and his success/complication rate as well as information about his credentials. I contacted an insurance company to look into medical tourism insurance in case 'i die' while I'm there and my body needs to be returned to Canada....no lie. And I talked to various people who reassured me about their personal experiences including (of all people) american nurses and even insurance agents that didn't even purchase insurance for themselves lol.

For all of the support I have found and all of the reassurances that have revived my confidence in my decision I could never be truly at peace with this decision without her support.

I feel as if I can breathe now.

#4 - Bobbie the protein guru

Okay so Sunday I had my last diet pepsi in the house, oh god that's going to be rough since I'm a freakin junkie.....but I digress......

Yesterday I decided to start substituting my normal breakfast of two hard boiled eggs for a protein shake and to try to drink lots of water and not snack throughout the day - thought I might as well start scaling back on everything now so it's not a huge shock to my system next week when I actually have to start the real pre-op. Well I ended up with a doozy of a headache. I'm quite worried about how the heck I'm going to get down to 2-3 protein shakes and a salad with chicken for 14 days straight.

When I went to the chiropractor yesterday I wandered into the little health food store next door to look at protein powders. I started talking to the lady running the place and asked her about whether or not there are samples of protein powders you can buy so you don't have to pay $50 for a big tub just to find out you hate it. Well 'Bobbie' was actually really helpful. She gave me a bunch of different sample packs to try out as well as a shaker bottle to mix them - all for free; glad I went in!!

She explained a lot to me about the different types and what they do and we chatted about a friend of hers that had also gone for WLS before and some of the things that happened to her. She also told me that they have a rewards program AND that the first Wednesday of each month you get 25% of purchases, sweet deal! She even said that because I will be away having my surgery at the beginning of February when the next 'first Wednesday' will be that if I want I can come in beforehand and she will still give me the discount so I can stock up.

On the weekend I purchased all my vitamins and a pack each of vanilla and chocolate Atkins Advantage pre-mixed protein shake from Safeway to try out. They were $10 for 4 and have 15 grams of protein each. That's what I tried out yesterday and although the vanilla didn't taste half bad I still felt hungry.

I began thinking, I wonder if I find a protein powder that I actually enjoy if I can use that and mix it with skim milk to make my protein shakes for the 14 day pre-op. For one I will get more protein out of each shake and therefore be less hungry and I think I will also get a better bang for my buck. 

So I decided this morning to try out one of the ones she gave me - the Whey Protein Isolate Isoflex Chocolate. I don't have skim at home right now because the boys won't drink it so I mixed it with 1%. It says to mix the entire contents of the package (30 grams) with 5 oz of milk or water......okay really? 5 oz? Anyways I mixed the 30 grams with about 11 oz of the milk instead and used my little shaker cup to mix it all up. Since I used more than double the milk it would probably be way more chocolatey with the normal 5 oz but.....oh hey there's chocolate chips in this thing too.......oops "Squirrel"....sorry for the A.D.D moment - it was actually pretty good, I enjoyed the flavour.

She said that this company has a guy they pay to flavour stuff.....that's his job, he sits around testing flavours all the time.....hmmm that sounds like fun I wonder what he gets paid? Anyways, she said that they also have a cookies and cream one that's amazing but unfortunately she didn't have any testers of that, hmmm I wonder if I can get one.

I'll keep you posted on whether I feel hungry in a little bit or whether the difference between the 15 grams of protein and the 30+ grams of protein make a difference.

#3 - Start cutting down

So I've signed all of the paperwork, paid my deposit, booked my flights and hotel, picked up and started all of my vitamins.....I can do this.

The part I'm not so sure I can do is the pre-op diet. Because I go for surgery on February 3rd I have to start my pre-op diet on January 21st. During the pre-op phase I have to cut myself down to 2-3 protein shakes and a large salad with 6oz of protein per day and I'm not sure how that works.....I can't even imagine not eating and I'm so scared I will fuck it up.

I've already warned Sean that I may need to stay in my room and hide, or I might become a raging bitch not eating lmao.

I decided to cut myself off of the diet pepsi cold turkey starting today.....man that one is going to hurt. I also picked up some protein shakes on the weekend and I've started today to have one for breakfast instead of my normal breakfast......at least these are two steps in the right direction.

I've also joined another weight loss forum for bariatric patients on Facebook and there are a bunch of people from Edmonton so between that and the ALM page where I'm chatting with people that have actually been to the surgeon I'm going to I'm reading lots of tips and getting so much support so that can only help me in the journey.

I'm thankful that I'm finally doing this and so excited to see where I'm at a few months from now but that fat girl inside me feels like I'm already slitting her throat.......'where did my breakfast go?" she screams......I'm not sure how to tell her it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

#2 - She knows just how to break me down

I'm heartbroken.

Today the surgery came up and I told someone very close to me that I wish we could talk about it, that she's the one person I 'need' to be able to talk to about it. 

The next thing I knew she attacked and we were screaming at each other. Rather than ask me questions or try to understand she immediately began throwing barbs at me and yelling out judgemental things and I yelled back. There was no reasoning with her. 

She told me I was ridiculous and being stupid; that it was a waste of money, and my favourite one - that I'm taking the easy way out. I yelled "the easy way out, are you kidding me? You obviously know nothing about this surgery if you think this is the easy way out!" 

She said that I just need to stop eating - it's input vs. output and that I don't need surgery I can lose the weight without it. I said well if it's that easy why are we overweight? Why have we fought with our weight our whole lives? To which she replied that it's because we stuff our faces.

She said it was obviously a great idea if my own doctor wouldn't do it or refer me to someone here, but no, I'm stupid enough to go to Mexico instead........

She said go ahead be the skinny one then and I said is that what this is about? Are you jealous? Bad call, she said no and said go ahead and be like Vanessa (my cousin's wife) and Renee (my boyfriend's ex) who've done it because I know you want to be like Renee......ouch.....and ew.

She's always known exactly how to hurt me and this stung. Especially throwing Renee at me like that. The one person who's support and understanding mean the world to me and she couldn't have been more judgemental and mean. 

I came home and the minute I walked through the door I broke down. 

I don't know how to do this without her. She's been part of every major life decision. Thank god I have Sean by my side through this at least. He is so understanding and supportive. I do feel bad for him though because I know he will have to take the brunt of fallout of the arguments between my sister and I and will have to hold me up when she tears me down and that's not fair of me to ask of him.

#1 - And so it begins......

And so it begins..........

I have made a major life decision; one that has been coming for years. I am going to become less of a person, half of a person if you will. I know that sounds negative and contradictory but read on so I can explain. I plan on losing half of an 'obese person'. Half of the person I am today will be gone......I have made the permanent and life changing decision to have weight loss surgery, and in losing half of myself I look forward to gaining more in return than I could ever imagine.

Everyone that knows me also knows I am NOT an impulsive person. I make lists and research and analyze things...probably far more than any person should. Well this decision is no different. I have been contemplating this for years, slowly researching and learning as much information as I could so that I could 'one day' make an informed decision. Well that time has come. As of this morning I have been approved and have paid my deposit to the surgeon and will begin this transformation on February 3, 2015.

At this point in my life I am happy. Happy with my personal life and (fairly) happy with my professional life but there is a nagging sadness in me. A constant and horrible feeling of being less of a person, I have shame and guilt and pain, both physical and emotional, that have become more than I can bear and I am ready to permanently change the way I look and feel about myself and the negative relationship I have with food.

Context - Backstory

Recently I've been thinking a lot about my 20+ year battle with food and my weight and how it has ruled my life. I absolutely LOVE food; I love the taste of it and the smell of it....until now I have always lived to eat; now I make the conscious choice to begin eating to live instead. 

I was a tomboy and was always kicking ass at the monkey bars and playing baseball and of course never had a thought about my weight until high school. In junior high I stopped being as active and some pounds started to creep on and I was about a size 12-14 give or take but it wasn't too far off from most of my friends so I never thought much of it.

When I really started to notice it was in high school. I remember when I was 17 and was preparing to go to Paris and Spain on a school trip and we were raising money and one of the things we did was have a fashion show (I can't for the life of me remember how this actually generated money for the trip, maybe we charged people to come watch who knows but that's not the point). We went to West Edmonton Mall to some stores that agreed to loan us clothes to model and I remember very distinctly that I couldn't wear any of the clothes from the stores because I didn't fit into them......hmmm interesting when did that happen? I remember that I had to model stretch pants with an oversized shirt while everyone else had cool clothes and dressy gowns.....wow model material. How horrifying.

As much as this bothered me I still wasn't a 'huge girl' so I just went on my way. I think I was about a size 14-16 so bigger than some of my friends, smaller than others. I thought I was fairly normal. The majority of the weight didn't creep on until after high school once I was into adulthood, working, going to school part time, eating really shitty and not exercising. One day I can recall leaving my full time job and driving to school (part time at night) and stopping (yet again) at McDonalds on the way to school. I remember clearly the unbelievable pain that tore through me when the woman at the window said "Oh hi! Would you like your regular?"  

Over the years I've used diet after diet, gimmick (Bacon and grapefruit, really?) after pill, book after quick fix it scheme....even hypnosis and of course some have worked temporarily, only to gain it all back plus some down the road. Years ago I complained to the doctor of a pain in my chest, in my left rib cage under my breast - hurt to stand, hurt to breathe, nothing helped. I complained over and over and was told over and over "you need to lose weight", well thanks TIPS, like I don't know that already. About that time I hit my highest weight of 231 lbs so I knew he was right but knowing it and making it happen were two completely different things.

Over the next few years I yo-yo'd and managed to lose about 50 lbs. The pain in my chest had subsided and I was feeling a bit better about myself. And then in March 2014 I was in a car accident. It may sound like an excuse and maybe part of it is but after the accident I had constant debilitating migraines and pain, I couldn't exercise because of the pain and got lazy and slowly went back to eating all the (yummy) crap again and the pounds just piled back on until I got back up to my highest weight....plus a few pounds.

What made me choose to do this?

I want to start living my life. For a long time now, I've felt like I was going through the motions but not enjoying life anymore. I remember when I was in Australia and went snorkelling and skydiving and tried surfing and how brave and adventurous I was. I wanted to try everything I could and even though I was not 'skinny' (160 lbs) I was a lot smaller than I am now and could at least do some physical things. These days, it takes everything in me to make it from the bed to the couch on the weekend.   

• I can't stand to look at myself
• I don't feel attractive and always find myself hiding from Sean (even though he tells me constantly that I'm beautiful, bless him)
• I feel hungry constantly, I could eat until I make myself throw up and then eat some more....and let's be honest, I have
• I sweat profusely from (only) my face and neck (which I'm still not certain isn't an actual medical issue, but I'm sure it would have to be better if I weighed less) 
• My knee (which I screwed up years ago) constantly dislocates now
• I'm exhausted 110% of the time and can honestly sleep for 10-12 hours straight it left to my own devices
• I can't do any physical activity without being completely winded, which makes it hard to play with the Girl Guides and with my niece and nephews
• I wouldn't go on the slides at West Ed Waterpark with Keaton and Sean because I'm winded just climbing the stairs
• I was scared I wouldn't fit in the go-karts at whitemud so I just watched everyone else go and sat out of the fun
• I skipped the colour run with everyone this summer because I can't 'run' and didn't want to be left behind
• I look like Homer......have you ever heard or seen pictures of the comparison between a fat chick and homer simpson.......well....... (please note this is not me as I wouldn't post a naked pic on here - I found it on the internet so you could see what I mean)

Surgery

I've made the decision to have an out of country medical procedure.

1. because you aren't left on a waiting list for years before you can go - I can pay for the procedure and have it completed ASAP now that I've made my decision
2. because after all of the research I am 100% confident in the surgical team and the procedure
3. I've been part of a Facebook group and a forum with past and current patients and have received overwhelming support, advice, guidance and tips.

I tried broaching the subject with my sister. She is my best friend and normally my biggest supporter. Unfortunately, this seems to be the one thing she isn't all that supportive of as her response was that I could do it on my own with diet and exercise if I really tried. Well both of us have been fighting our weight more than half our lives so that really doesn't seem to be working for me, so I have made the decision to proceed and leave her out of the process for the time being.


I hate doing that since we share absolutely everything with each other but she is the one person whose opinion matters most to me and I can't handle any negativity or shaming about my decision now that it has been made. I know in my heart she's not trying to be mean, it's not in her, I'm sure that a small portion of it is that she thinks spending the money is stupid, but even more so, I'm sure it's coming out of a place of genuine concern and fear for my wellbeing.   

Having said that I love her more than anything and don't want there to be any lies between us so I will have to discuss this with her sooner or later but am just not sure how to do that. :(

Back to the beginning......

So anyways........after all of that rambling I'm back to where I started. I am about to embark on a journey.....or like my buddy Bilbo says "I'm going on an adventure!!"

I plan on using this space as a place to clear my head about everything going on around me through this journey. The ups and downs the confusion, the tears and most of all the happiness. I am scared, nervous and intimidated but most of all I am ready; ready to be half a person.